By Bisai Ya
It’s festive time once again, the season to be jolly and merry. However, for some this is also the season when a strong sense of longingness envelops the person. Many of us experience that season where we are weary with our feelings of insecurity, or maybe feel unloved and sometimes enveloped by certain degree of dryness in our lives, either in our relationships or career or passion.
This feeling of longingness specially rings true for those, like me, who are physically away from their immediate families or loved ones. The distance that separates me from my dear one does not help make the situation easier to handle.
I feel the void and empty spaces within me that hinder me from feeling happy and gay at many times. My usual bubbly personality seemed to be coiling backwards wanting to just hide its head from the crowd. I hate this feeling. It is stealing my future in welcoming what probably might be in store for me in 2013.
This period I also call “My personal Advent”. This is a period where I contemplate to readying myself for the coming of the Almighty one into my life in this season. The waiting associated with my personal advent is both challenging, where a good mix of fretfulness and fun often manifests.
Very few of you might know that this year has been a very challenging year for me, both in my professional and personal life. This could be reason enough for me to feel edgy at times. Being a creative person, I too had my share of advent wishes and I long to get it fulfilled.
– I’m longing to be reunited with my youngest son whom I have been an absent mom for 7 years
– I’m longing to establish a sense of betterment both as a mother and mentor to my two sons
– I’m longing to have a better relationship with my family back home and be able to take care of my aging and sickly mom
– I’m longing for a renewal of relationship with friends whom I have not been reunited for a long time
– I’m longing to create my art so simple that anyone who looks at them will embrace it without wanting for explanation
– I’m longing for renewal of self so I may become a better individual and face my future with positive enthusiasm
I’m no different from some friends I keep. We all had the same share of happiness and certain degree of problems. So I see my deep longings as being borne out of incompleteness of certain aspects in my life.
The only way I see to heal myself from all this brokenness and angst is to let go of my fears like my fear of loving and being loved, my being expectant of people and to learn the value of emptiness.
Because I was brought up by my parents to be helpful, kind and selfless to others, I had expected the same of others to do to me, which is impossible, thus resulting to my often disappointing high expectations of them.
I realized I needed to empty myself of these expectations so that I can start to heal myself from easy disappointments, for when I begin to empty myself, only then I can expect to refill my life with new things, new ideas, new feelings, and perhaps new people to love and shower affection to make me whole once again.
As this year draws closer to its end, I am hoping to be able to draw inspiration from families, well-intentioned friends, new acquaintances and build more positive energies to meet life ahead with much vigor and dynamism. I see that renewal in all things and in all forms will help me survive the tough challenges of life.
With my renewed passion in creative writing, visual art and mentorship, I will look ahead to 2013 with fuller belief that the Almighty has something fruitful in store for me other than these mighty blessings I already had.